User Profile

i am a very strong and mostly confident person. when i first started out in this lifestyle 10 years ago i found out about it online. i was in a vanilla relationship and just felt that something was missing. i couldn't figure out what it was but i knew there had to be more than just what i was doing. while online i met a "Dom" he started talking about bdsm and it was getting me excited to learn more about it. i always say when i first started i started as a troll. i didn't have a clue and would go into a lifestyle room stating i was new and was looking for a Master to teach me.....boy did i get a clue quickly!!!

i was lucky that one of the rooms i entered into was a lifestyles room not just a kink room. many there were in this as a lifestyle in real life. they took me under their wing and explained a lot of things to me. i also had the chance to meet many of them in real life and one would take me to munch groups and socials near us. i think in the beginning it was more about the activities for me but as i grew it became more.

most of my experience has either been online or in D/s more than the bdsm side of things....which i believe was good in many ways. it gave me a chance to see if this really is where i belong. unfortunately the few doms i've had in real life weren't as experienced as they let on they were or perhaps they just weren't as interested. who knows, all i know is while i've been in the lifestyle for 10 years i still am sort of new as far as experience in the bdsm side of things.

for a while i was going thru a lot of stuff and had to drop out of the groups i was in and could only have contact with people that were in this lifestyle online. but again, most of those i had contact with were in this in real life, involved in groups and it was more than just the kink for them. that helped to keep me balanced......online just wasn't for me, while i understand for many that is all they can have i would never put it down. for me i used it as a learning tool while keeping in mind real life is TOTALLY different. i used it more to pick peoples brains and ask questions and to connect them with me and how i fit into the scheme of things.

i recently moved to NC and have been able to join Capex and to meet many people in this lifestyle and i feel myself opening up more. accepting things more, experimenting and understanding myself more. in many ways i'm still learning, still finding my way. most that know me say i'm a switch, i've only recently agreed outloud that yeah i could be one. but another part of me knows that while i can be a switch that isn't where my heart is...my heart yearns to find someone that i can trust enough and feel comfortable enough to totally surrender to him. perhaps some day i'll find him, perhaps i won't. i've recently had the problem when asked if i'm in this lifestyle in many ways i don't feel i am because i haven't a partner to be able to put into practise what i've learned. again, luckily i've had friends that have shown me that my being in the lifestyle doesn't depend on if i have a partner or if i am practising this lifestyle but how i live my life and how it relates to this lifestyle. i can confidently say now that yes this is a lifestyle to me and not just kinky sex.

hhmm, where to i envision myself in a year from now is a hard one, i would LOVE to say with a Master and being more involved in the group but, realistically, who knows about that part. i do envision myself growing more, becoming more involved and more confident in who i am and perhaps being able to help someone who is going thru similar questions, doubts....whatever.

i'm just me. finding my way in this journey just as everyone else is.

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